The other night, I realized how completely and utterly codependent I am. I don't know how to spend time alone. I shop and I go out to eat, but I don't know how to meaningfully sit down with myself. What are my interests? I don't know. How do I feel? I don't know. It's so much easier to rely on others for their opinion of what I am than to actually find out.
I am so hard on myself. I start going into a 'Waaa... why me?' pity party, full of self hatred and blame. Its frustrating to realize you don't really know who you are, and more frustrating still to realize you don't know how to find out. I think I should be fixed- I've been away from home for a year, haven't I? Yet I've been living in constant fear, relying on my addictions to get me through the day, for much, much longer than that. I need to be patient with myself. It will come, and I just have to have faith.
