In a previous blog.. I spoke of my brother who got out of jail on Christmas eve. It was great seeing him again. He seems to be ready to take on life and leave the past behind.. though he never really said, "yeah..I'm kicking the meth..", he seemed really into gaining a future and not going back on another "club Med vacation". Awsome..great.. time would tell...
He's been out for something like three weeks and mom hasn't tried to kill him.. (which is a good sign) but just the other day he had a seisure out of no where. He stopped breathing. His new wife gave him mouth to mouth and got him going again. The medics came and transported him to the hospital. Doctors gave him an MRI only to discover a mass on his brain. I spoke to him last night. He was in good spirits. Of course, the first thing he said was that it had nothing to do with his past using. Funny part is, of course this was the first thing both him and I had thought of. What a couple of F***ing addicts huh.. It seems that this sort of thing happens to like 9 folks out of a million. Of all the things to be lucky in, he had to be lucky "this way". Yeah.. that's my bro alright. If it wasn't for bad luck you know..?? Well...this morning he had a biopsy. It's not a tumor..it's not cancer..and quite frankly.. the Doc don't know what the F**k it is.. great.. once again.. that's my brother alright.. only that boy would have like some grand science experiment going on with his brain...fucking asshole.. Though cancer and tumor has not been entirely ruled out, they still won't know for weeks. Yup... weeks.
I can call my brother a F***ing asshole to his face on his death bed and the guy would reply "your mother" with mom sitting right there. This is our coping mechanism. We are fine with it. Mom..though she has the same sense of humor...she not laughing at the moment. I am being told that he will have siesures now for the rest of his life. We also don't know just what is going on till the test come back. I am VERY GOOD at hiding my feelings. So is he... So is mom. But right now...i'm really not sure just what to be feeling... I mean.. I know what I'm feeling.. but i guess.. I'm just not letting them come to surface. Not yet. trust me when I say no drinking or using will be taking place...not an option.. but I can't say the same about the hurting.. or fear.. or anger..Know what sucks?? I more worried about our mother than him...she has been through so much with me and my s**t. and like i finally gave her a chance to rest and not have to worry about one of her sons being found dead in an alley somewhere.. she deserved a break.. and like when my brother came back.. it's like.. he was home. She had pretty much given up on him, though not really but.. it's like now that he was home and had shown some kind of change.. she once again got just a bit more relief. Now.. instead of "wondering" what might happen to one of us.. she now has to watch it develope and evolve...Please don't get me wrong.. I don't blame my brother.. it's not his fault.. it's no ones fault..I love my brother very much.. he's blood..I guess I'm just in a state of "I dunno's"
"as above...so below" This is the foundation of my faith. I really don't like the word prayer or pray. it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. But that's me. The basic Spiritual principle of "as above, so below.." has a very similar, and rather familiar alternate wording which essentailly means the same thing:
"on Earth..as it is in Heaven.."
If I believe and think in the positive and project positive energy (pray), then those things will transend from thought to the immediate physical universe (prayers getting answered).
My brother, my mom and myself can use some serious positive energy right about now...can anybody spare some..??
Love you all. Thanks for being here..and thanks for listening...
~anjil~
