10/25/2007 16:30:36

I also took issue with being powerless over alcohol.  I stopped drinking without any issues.  However, when I did drink, I had no control over how much I was going to drink.  I often drank things I didn’t like so I wouldn’t drink too much.  Unfortunately, I acquired a taste for things that I once thought vile.

I lied to myself thinking that because I could quit without a problem (and I have done it more than once) that I didn’t have a problem.  The problem with that lie was that deep down I knew what would happen if I drank – or more accurately, I didn’t know what would happen if I drank.

Just to give you an idea of the kind of drinking I did, I had plenty of nights out where I remember very little of what happened the night before.  One night when trying to leave a party, I got into my car and proceeded to drive right into the car parked in front of me.  I was so drunk, I just didn’t see it.  There are plenty of nights that I woke up in somebody else’s bed.  There were plenty of nights that I drove home and have no memory of the drive much less what route I took.

After I stopped drinking, I tried not to think about it yet every time I went to a party or went anywhere that there was alcohol being served, I had to make a choice – to drink or not.  Then slowly it seemed that I was forced to think about it.  I was forced to confront something about myself that I really didn’t want to confront.  I realized that even though I didn’t lose my job or end up in the streets, I had the potential.  I knew that if I were to start drinking again that I would not have control over how much I drank.  If I couldn’t control how much I drank, eventually I would probably lose the ability to control if I drank.

Did I hit ‘rock bottom’?  Some would say that I hadn’t.  In my mind though, I did.  I hit my ‘rock bottom’.  I hit the point that I realized that I am powerless over alcohol.  That is, I am powerless over how much alcohol I drink and came to realize that if I were to start drinking again that I have the potential to become powerless over whether to drink alcohol or not.

For the record, I gave up being an atheist/agnostic several years ago – before I gave up alcohol, but I don’t think I’ll ever be able to give up being analytical.  That being said, I have learned that I don’t have to understand everything.  Sometimes you just have to take things on faith and sometimes you have to do things that don’t make sense until you can get to a point where they do make sense.

I hope that made sense and/or perhaps helped a bit.  I’m still on step one myself and it was a lot harder than I thought it was going to be.  Maybe I’m just a slow learner!  J

10/25/2007 12:14:28

Hello Paul Semantics seems to be what you want to investigate in which case you will end up in analysis paralysis, admitted we were powerless over Alcohol, i could not take a drink in safety for i had no idea were i would end up police cells, hospital, rubish heaps, shop doorways, etc etc etc so in effect i was powerless over alcohol when i took a drink the drink took me to places i never wanted to go, with people i would not have mixed with, when i took the first drink i could not stop so there is my powerlessness for i would drink for hours, days, weeks or months, Alcoholism is a disease which affects me physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually so where does willpower come into the question, you say you wont sacrifice your health, family or job, if you dont find a power greater than self and drink again you may not have your health, family, or job because the illness will strip everything from you you hold dear. unmanageable when i was a practicing Alcoholic i was devious, dishonest, distrustful, and defiant i never admitted how much i drank i spent sums of money that should have been spent on my family and justified this with lies and denial, i did not care if the bills were being taken care off, or that my family being clothed and fed or my personal hygiene or my relationships, i was totally selfish in my drinking i did not care whom it affected, hence unmanageability. i tried everything to try and stop drinking nothing worked untill i found a power greater than self i have been sober for over 25 years but its not important how long i have been sober, what is important, is what i have done with that time and i have worked hard at changing me. regards Kelpie

10/25/2007 10:22:35

Welcome Paul,

Here's my 2 cents worth about powerlessness...

As an intelligent, capable human being, most people would not refer to me as powerless. I am responsible in many ways and have been successful in many ways. It was easy for me to think that was good enough. And it was easy to think that my addictive behaviors were "no big deal". They had been with me a long time and I was still surviving. But when I engaged in what I now call my addictive behaviors (mine is pornography), there was usually a follow-up of some bad things. I ended up lying or being deceptive about my behaviors, I had terrible headaches and some accidents, my relationship with my wife was often filled with arguments or silent treatments and some very weird behaviors and my feeling of inner peace suffered. It just seemed wrong for many reasons, so I thought that I should quit. Compared to my life without addictive behaviors, there was an extreme difference. One was peaceful and satisfying, one was not. And so some times after engaging in my addictive behavior, I told myself that I should stop. I didn't want this anymore. But the problem was that I did not stop. Evey week or two I would go back to my addictive substance, feel bad afterwards and then tell myself I really needed to stop. But I didn't. I couldn't, even after trying all sorts of ways to get rid of the behavior (vows, punishments, etc.). So that was when I had to admit (after many years of trying other things) that I was powerless. I needed help. Of course, that's the first step. IMHO the others can be difficult also. Everyone is different as to what's more difficult than others.

The other thing about it is that I really was not able to experience what I was missing until I gave up my addictive behaviors. My "normal" was so much less than what a good life is. It has been challenging to work on dealing with the addictive behaviors, but I am amazed at the good things that happen when I do - things that I tried so hard to do when I was engaging in addictive behaviors come sometimes effortlessly now. It takes discipline and working the steps, but there is defintely a result when I am able to do that.

So saying I was "powerless" for me didn't mean that I could not take care of things. I could. I accomplished things, made money, paid my bills, spent time with family and so forth. That was all a part of my life. But in this one area of my addiction, I was powerless. No matter how much I wanted to or tried, I could not get rid of it. Not every day for me (although there were spans of time when it was daily), but at least every so often the urges would come and I was powerless to say no to them. I was powerless to keep myself from the bad consequences that had come so many times before. To me, it's kind of like termites in the foundation. I can still live in the house and act like nothing is wrong. I still can eat, sleep and do things. But the termites are eating things around me. Maybe the framing around a room falls because of the termites - oh, well, I can live in the rest of the house. Someday I will repair it, I think to myself. But then other parts start to crumble, and my house starts to get more and more cramped. The odd thing, though, is that it doesn't bother me that much because I have this "thrill" going on from time to time and it seems to keep me drained of energy and awareness enough that I don't have the time or energy or desire to deal with the more mundane items of keeping my house fixed up (which I am now finding where life is - in the "small", day to day things). So it keeps on going like that for me until I say that I need some help. I need a termite inspector and a termite removal company. I cannot do it on my own. I am powerless over the termites, even though I seem to do OK with some of the rest of my life.

So that is kind of how it worked for me. I encourage you in your taking the steps seriously. I think that is the only way it works. And I had to work at it very hard to get even where I am at (only on the 6th step or so now). I could not always just follow the conventional wisdom of others because it didn't always work for me like that. But following the steps in my own way, in my own understanding, it has started to work for me, and for that I am thankful. And beginning to see life in a totally different way (and yet in some ways, the way I "knew it should be" all along).

So I guess that's enough for now. Hope this helps....