43 months sober. and still acting like an alcoholic. acting? c'mon, it's who i am. haven't been living an honest life. moved myself out of my house last night. been complaining about my spouse for years, dealing with issues that seem to never go away. used to drink over it, now...they're still there. but how much is me? her?
odd, while living with her, i would never be fully honest about things...my dealings, whereabouts, purchases made on the sly. such bullsh*t. living in denial about my own dishonesty. yesterday's exit was made quickly while she was at work. left a letter. coward. i can't stand myself right now. but find myself missing her. not wanting this to be final. but....i've been planning this for so long. i'm conflicted. feeling powerless on some levels.
it's only the first day. it feels just like the first day of sobriety. messed up. confused. not knowing if it will get better. can i start to be honest again? what about amends? "unless to do so would be harmful" echoes through my mind.
i may never be forgiven for this. can i handle it? the fact that this is all self-inflicted pain makes me feel even more ashamed and guilt-ridden. just like my drinking days.
