asking for help is not my strong suit.......
I did not want to give up isolating for an hour or so just to go sit and feel completly at home, but that's how my thought process is. been in annoyed and cranky mind set for the last 6-7 months. I've started to ignore the ones who adored me adored the ones who ignored me, loved the ones who hurt me and hurt the ones who love me and even suicide has crossed my mind. my life has been shaped by my mind and I had become what I would think.
I was dragged to a meeting so I found a seat and shortly into the opening of the meeting it hit me and it hit me hard. I'm not the only one out in this wavering world who has gone through the immense pain of alcoholism and addiction. I can know something in my head and not feel it in my heart, but I've finally felt it. I've been made aware of what my short comings and character defeacts are and what I can do to correct them.
But I have to remember that nothing last forever and I can not erase my mistakes. they are part of my life and what makes me human. for me they are life lessons learned and going to be learned the hard way, on the physically, mentally, emotionally, verbally, and spritually roller coaster of termoil.
I've lied and I've cheated and hurt the ones who mean most to me just to try and find my place in this lonely world. it is now time to change my ways and my life. I have to put my pride aside and reach out for help. start things over and do things way differntly than before. not just go to meetings, chair meetings, and do my service work. I am ready to finally fully have an open mind and welling to put more hard work and effort into my changes than ever before to go through transition and no matter what I can not lose sight of what is important.
Life is just plain hard but all my struggles have and will make me stronger and wiser and I will not know how grand life can be until I have fully reclaimed myself from addtictive thinking and behavior because the life I was living is not the life I want to live.
I've become the one person I never wanted to be like the only difference between me and this person is I am a sick person trying to get well and welling to do anything to do so and this person is a sick person period not doing anything to try and get well.
But all that aside I have to start being more positive and less doubtful, more optimistic than fearful and more determined than ever before not to be defeated.
so to everyone I have hurt I am truly deeply sorry weather you want to believe or not. I am who I am and your appraoval is not needed, it's not my job to impress you, so unless you have lived my life than please do not judge me. I am speaking from the heart and finally learning how to be confindent when speaking how I feel.
