I've been struggling on Step 2 for some time now. I've been thinking a lot - if I can get over the hump of this step, I can do all the rest. It's not that I have a problem believing in a HP, because I do. It's just that I've asked for help and surrendered so many things over my lifetime, and yet I feel like I still failed time and time again. Failure has been such a huge issue for me. Last night I thought, shouldn't Step 3 come before Step 2? I mean, how can you come to believe unless you're willing to surrender first? But, I've stayed at 2 for a while now. Yes, I've seen recovery happen for others. That's not "coming to believe" for me. I know it can happen for others. It's me I have a problem with. I know in my head it should be possible, it's knowing in my heart that it's possible that I've had difficulty with.
I was reading an article in a magazine yesterday that talked about a book called Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. I knew I had to have it. I ran out and got it immediately. I'm a pretty avid reader and have read lots of books to figure out what's "wrong" with me, why I keep trying all the time but I can't seem to get anywhere.
This one is hitting the nail on the head. I finally got to the root. For the first time I have hope. I have hope that my life won't be a complete failure. It's not a motivational or inspirational book. It's based on research and talks about the two different mindsets people can have, from childhood on - and how it affects them throughout their lives. One is a fixed mindset: where they believe they are born with certain abilities and they can't ever change them, and the other is a growth mindset, where they believe that they can change with effort. Now I see why I've persevered and succeeded in some areas, but not in others. And now, I have hope again, that I CAN have recovery. That I can change, with my HP's help. That it IS possible for me to plan things, stick to a routine, make it a habit. This was really affecting my success with abstinence - because that requires making food plans ahead of time. Before, I had despaired of doing ANYTHING on a routine basis - I don't even have a regular sleep time, or for doing laundry; I wing it with everything.
So before this, it felt to me as if I was born without ears, and Step 2 involved trying to make myself come to believe that my HP would somehow enable me to be able to write music. Now, I see that I had the ears all along, and I was just didn't realize I could use them.
Thank you HP, you rock!
Tags: Reflective
