Please, the last thing I need is advice on this; I just need some encouragement.
So so so so so so SO sick of my chronic pain. Nothing is working. No pills, no phsical therapy, no tests, no diagnosis, no treatment, no nothing. And of course I don't have health insurance, so everyone I try to see, literally says the can do nothing except pop me full of more pills that will do nothing, and send me on my merry way.
Right now I am stuck sitting at this computer instead of being at a meeting that I wanted to go to tonight. My pain half the time makes it so I cannot drive or pretty much function at all, and on those days, even if I get a ride, after about 3 ppl have spoken at the table, my pain is so bad that I have to leave anyway.
Everything I do is tainted heavily by it. I can't lay down sometimes because it's too painful. I can't call people and talk to them, to get out of myself, because often my pain makes it so I can't even talk on the phone.
I have a pretty much zero social life lately, It's really hard to make plans when you never know how bad your pain will be on future dates. I have to call and cancel about 75% of the stuff that I want and need to do.
When people ask how I am, I am afraid to tell them. If I say I am fine, I am lying. I am NOT fine. And I can't lie to save my life, so I don't. Plus lying isn't exactly practicing spiritual principles. Sigh. On the days when I go to a meeting anyway, despite the debilitating pain, it usually makes it worse. Plus, everyone asks how I am, and when I tell them I'm in excruciating pain, they barage me with a s**t load of (to me, stupid) questions that only frustrate me further like:
"Oh! Have you been to a doctor?" NO BITCH, I HAVEN'T BEEN TO A FU**ING DOCTOR! I LIKE LIVING IN EXRUCIATING, LIFE KILLING, DEBILITATING PAIN THAT MAKES ME WANT TO DIE MOST DAYS!
"Well have you tried _________?" (fill in the blank with whatever you like) WHATEVER IT IS YOU'RE ABOUT TO ASK ME, I CAN GUARANFUKINTEE THAT I HAVE TRIED IT, AND IF I HAVEN'T IT'S BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE THAT KIND OF MONEY TO DO SO!!!
"Why are you in pain?" I DON'T KNOW! YOU FIGURE IT OUT AND TELL ME, AND THEN WE'LL BOTH KNOW. People tend to get a dumb look on their faces at this point, because they don't understand how someone could be in such pain, and not have a label for it.
I feel that this pain is also killing the current relationship I am in. It makes me fearful that my man will leave me for a more "able bodied" woman, who isn't in pain all the time and can actually do things with him:( This is probably the worst part of my pain. I am so in love with this man, but I feel like I am not the same girl he fell in love with over a year ago, and I feel guilty about that, even though it's not my fault.
My pain has progressed to such an extreme in the past 6 months or so, that all he pretty much does when we are together is take care of me. I don't want our relationship to be me totally useless, and him taking care of me all the time! Don't get me wrong, I appreciate him, blah blah blah, but how long can he really deal with an invalid girlfriend? I used to be lively and excited a lot, and now I can barely function, and it usually hurts to smile or even talk.
Sigh. Okay. I think that's all the bitching I will do for now.
Please, do NOT ask "Have you tried..." or "Could it be...." or anything like that. The Q and A section of this woman is done and over with. Thanks for lettin me share.
Your Recovery Sister,
Jessie
Tags: Pain
