I don't usually do this, but after reading two of my daily meditations today, I felt the urge to journal my thoughts about them...
The first one is from Each Day a New Beginning: Daily Meditations for Women
OCTOBER 5:
"Sometimes I think I'm the luckiest person in the world. There's nothing better than having work you really care about. Sometimes I think my greatest problem is lack of confidence. I'm scared, and I think that's healthy." -- Jane Fonda
We each vacillate between feeling confident on some days, lucky on others, and yet frequently scared on others. It's very human to vacillate. We need to not be anxious because our emotions refuse to stand still.
Changing emotions are part of the process of normal living. And changing emotions reflect an involvement with the environment. Situations do touch us, as they should. And our responses will reveal our emotional involvement, as they should. We can cherish the variety of our emotions. They enrich us. But they may also create problems, if they go unchecked.
We need to maintain a balance. Confidence, certainly desirable, can become overconfidence, and thus, complacency. Confidence needs humility to temper it. Fear makes us cautious and that's good, but too mnuch can immobilize us. Being in charge of our emotions makes them work for us.
Emotions can energize me and keep me involved with the moment. They can also control me. It's my decision to be in charge.
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Hooooooooly crap. That's a good one for everything that's been going on in my life lately. I have been very stressed because of the roommate situation (with Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs refusing to pay rent and us risking eviction), I've been very anxious, angry, hurt, agitated, irritable, etc. The list could go on and on. But just because I'm feeling these things doesn't mean I have to act on them. I have every right to be angry that CrazyBitch is acting childish and refusing to pay rent, therefore causing us to either pay $1300 (that we don't have), or get evicted. But just because I'm angry, irritated, etc. doesn't mean I have to act on those feelings. Whatever is going to happen will happen. All I can do is search for another roommate, try to find a way to get the bills paid on time, and get everything in order so I can take her to small claims court. By continuously being angry and anxious, I am only hurting myself. I am letting the emotions control me and I am physically suffering because of it. I'm tired because I'm not sleeping well because I'm so stressed. My stomach is almost always messed up, I have a headache (possibly from lack of sleep, more likely because I grind my teeth in my sleep when I'm agitated, and from clenching my jaw) and I just flat-out don't feel good. I've been letting this anger fester inside of me. Today, as I was driving, I thought I saw her car. I was literally ready to slam on the brakes, jump out of my car and start a fight. How ridiculous is that? Fighting her won't accomplish anything, other than making me feel better (at least for a little while). What will feel better is taking her to court and getting all my money back. It will take slightly more time than finding her around town and beating her ass, but in the end, the pros & cons of small claims court FAR outweight the pros of beating her ass.
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From Believing in Myself: Daily Meditations for Healing & Building Self-Esteem
OCTOBER 5
"He who has once burnt his mouth always blows on his soup." -- German Proverb
Just as our past experiences set up our expectations of what is to come, our expectations actually give form and shape to future events. Some people call this phenomenon self-fulfilling prophecy. Others just say, "I knew that was going to happen!" and never discover a pattern. But the fact is that expectations are the tracks our train runs on. And where the tracks go, so goes the train.
That's why, when we're seeking to support our self-esteem, we need to find out just what our expectations really are. Do we truly expect to be happy? Do we really think change is possible? Do we honestly believe that we are capable of taking part in a loyal, committed relationships? Do we expect to ever have fun again?
It may be that we don't. Perhaps the truth is an ingrained certainty that "this will hurt", the worst will inevitably happen,failure and disappointment are right around the corner. If that's the case, we need to know it so we can do something about it. If self-esteem is a train running on the tracks of our expectations, we may need to lay down some new tracks.
Past experiences only foretell the future if I permit it.
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Story of my life. I live my life in the present, based on things that have happened in the past. I have programmed myself for failure. After an event that happened in May, I realized my expectations/thoughts. After reading this meditation, I realize just how self-destructive they are. My expectations are pretty pessimistic. I basically see myself as a failure. With regards to relationships, I've been hurt, lied to, led on and cheated on so many times that I don't believe I ever will find love. I believe that I'll never be good enough for any man, and that the only way I'll be able to have a relationship is if I change myself to be what they want, do whatever it takes to be good enough. Looking back on my life, I truly believe that this "never good enough" mentality led to a LOT of the problems I've gone through. As a younger kid, I felt that I wasn't good enough. I honestly had no reason to believe that. I simply had no self-esteem, and that's what I thought. So in my twisted mindset, I somehow made the connection between looks and being "good enough". I thought that I wasn't good enough because I wasn't pretty. I thought that I wasn't pretty because I was too fat. And that led me into anorexia. It wasn't necessarily full-blown anorexia, but it was enough that people noticed. They didn't realize how self-destructive I was being. And this has continued, on and off, from the time I was 12 until now. Even today, I still have that mindset. The urges come and go, but they're always there. And the belief that I'm not good enough has always been there. I remember telling a boy, "Just tell me that I'm not good enough, that I'm not what you wanted." He wouldn't tell me that, and I became so angry that I didn't even want to talk to him. He said it wasn't true, and he wasn't going to lie to me. In my mind, it wasn't a lie. I really wasn't good enough. I just wanted someone to reinforce that, to validate my beliefs.
In the end, I think it's going to be hard to change my expectations. I have been hurt so many times. I have come to accept failure, to expect the worst. I haven't had a horrible life by any means, but it's been very tough, very challenging. Sometimes, I wish that things would just go right, and that I could live a normal life. I think that for me to change my expectations, some pretty major things will need to happen. For starters, I think that I will need to have some experiences that don't involve pain and failure and hurt. I need to experience getting something (major) right, not being lied to and used and being treated like dirt. I need proof that I am worth it, that I am good enough, that someone can love me without me having to change myself to be who they want. But to be honest, as I sit here writing this, I don't really see that happening. Maybe I'm just too pessimistic, but I don't really think that will happen. More realistically, I think I will continue to have "catastrophic thinking", that I'll never feel good enough for anyone, that I'll always expect the worst. I want to believe that things will change, but I'm too afraid to put my hope in it. If I do put my hope in things changing, and they don't, I'll be hurt again, and I'll be even more afraid to believe in anything.
I don't know, I need to stop for the night...I'm tired and probably not making ANY sense at this point. I have two more from tonight that I want to journal on, but I'm just too darn tired to do them tonight. I'll work on them in the morning. G'night.
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FOR TOMORROW:
From "Language of Letting Go":
Learn to let yourself be guided into truth.
We will know what we need to know, when we need to know that. We don't have to feel badly about taking our own time to reach our insights. We don't have to force insight or awareness before it's time.
Yes! Maybe the whole world saw a particular truth in our life, and we denied it - until we were ready to deal with it. That is our business, and our right! Our process is our own, and we will discover our truths at the right time, when we are ready, when the learning experience is complete.
The most growth-producing concept we can develop for others and ourselves is to allow ourselves to have our own process. We can give and receive support and encouragement while we go through this process. We can listen to others and say what we think. We can set boundaries and take care of ourselves, when needed. But we still give others and ourselves the right to grow at our own pace, without judgment, and with much trust that all is well and is on schedule.
When we are ready, when the time is right, and when our Higher Power is ready - we will know what we need to know.
Today, I will let myself and others have our own pace and time schedule for growth and change. I will trust that I will be empowered with insights and the tools for dealing with these insights, at the right time
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From "Today's Gift":
I think of the trees and how simply they let go, let fall the riches of a season, how without grief (it seems) they can let go and go deep into their roots for renewal and sleep. —May Sarton
"How can I do what you say," asked the child, "and still be me?"
"Look at me," said the tree. "I bend in the wind, droop in the rain. Yet I always remain myself, a tree."
"Look at me," said the man. "I can't change."
"Look at me," said the tree. "I change every season from green to brown to green again, from bud to flower to fallen leaf. Yet I always remain myself, a tree."
"I can't love anymore," said the woman. "With my love, I have given away all that I am."
"Look at me," said the tree. "There are robins in my branches, owls in my trunk, moss and ladybugs living on my bark. They may take what I have, but not what I am."
Whether we know it or not, we are like the tree. Only our pride hangs on to a false sense of self, wanting to keep everything, refusing to follow advice or orders. What we do doesn't matter; how we do it is what counts.
What changes have I gone through without losing my real self?
