I can't sleep. Oh man, this is going to be a helluva blog post, I can feel it. Well, better to get it out here than to let it fester.
Why I can't sleep:
- I'm hungry, but I won't eat because I won't break my abstinence. (I eat three meals a day and that's IT. If I'm still hungry after dinner, too bad, so sad).
- I'm in pain. I have a cyst under my arm - my armpit actually, that's gotten from bad to worse over the last two days, and now I get (pardon me if I get too graphic for you here) a shooting pain all the way to my, uh, nipple just from raising or moving my arm. Yes, I'm scared, and what's scaring me even MORE than that is that...
- I'm unemployed. I got laid off my job recently, and I have no medical insurance right now. I spent the day job-hunting on the internet and let me tell you, it's bleak. I'm dragging my feet all the way, because I really don't want another "Dilbert" style corpo-crap job, and yet I fear that that's all I'll qualify for at this point. It wasn't long before my head was spinning from reading the banal and half-dead job descriptions:
"Accounts Contract Specialist, responsible for maintaining TRS records, keeping within budget constraints, informing XYZ department of ABC minutae, and various and sundry mindless drivel..."
OK, I give up. I think maybe I'll become gainfully unemployed on a full-time basis. My problem is, I used to have exactly such a job, and I HATED it. It was soul-crushing, mind-numbing, heartless. My true skills are in other areas, but you can't really get another job professing skills that you claim to have without the solid job experience to back them up on a resume, right? ***sigh***
So, I just came back from Circle K. I went there to get some coffee and milk so that I could calm my hunger pangs. Cuz when I can't sleep due to hunger, I make myself sugar-free hot chocolate, or else some decaf. Anyway, as I was sniffing the coffee to see if it was fresh, some chick came in and said something to the cashier, who signaled to me silently, pointing to her, "She's HIGH." After she left, I said, "Really? I can never tell." She said, "Yeah, well, I used to be an addict, it takes one to know one. I've been clean now though, for 3 years." I told her that's awesome. She then started telling me a little about it, how the good Lord helped her, how she had to hit bottom, she went to jail, stopped hanging out with the people she used to hang out with, that she always knew the good Lord would help her. She said, "I don't even know why I'm telling you this, I normally don't tell people any of this." That made me think. Maybe I needed to hear that. Maybe I need to know that her Lord will help me too.
Because I'm feeling kinda hopeless right now. Maybe her good Lord will give me a miracle of a job I can actually like, with a salary I can actually live on. Maybe he can help me with my abstinence in OA. Maybe he can help me quit smoking, although right now, that's the last thing on my mind. Maybe he can even help me with troubling relationships. I know that I'm a lot better off than a lot of people. I'm thankful for a lot of things. But right now, I'm feeling like I just don't know what to do.
This pretty much sums it up" 
