It's been a little over a couple months since I was last on here, and after posting a tweet on Twitter, I realized how badly I need to get back to basics. By that, I mean that my growing restlessness stems from the need to re-prioritize my life.
When I last blogged, life was awesome. Now don't get me wrong because in many ways, it still is. However, the end of last semester, I found myself doing things regarding school that I never thought I'd do. I ended up withdrawing from one class because I've been too involved with my social life, and skating by with a D in the other. Yeah, I admit that I am disappointed with myself, and that my burnout and dislike of doing homework is just an excuse...and in the end, my success or my failure is my responsibility and mine alone...
The new relationship that I'm in has been a learning experience more than I expected it would be. There have been occasions already where it has suffered because I have apparently not gotten over some things from my past as I believed I had, and carried the fear and paranoia into this one.
Now lemme tell you folks that resisting the urge to sabatoge has been a great internal stuggle to say the least. And it's always the same things that triggers the self-defeating Mobius loop that keeps me stuck in my head about the things he could possibly be "doing" behind my back. It is this struggle where I've sought some sage advice from others that will provide a bandaid to keep me from acting out. Alas, when I can't talk to somebody right then and there, the ability to let it go and just be isn't enough to satisfy the demands from my wounded inner-child. In other words, I feel compelled to do or say something that'll elicit some kind of confrontation in order to prove my suspicions right in attempt to drive him away. Occasionally I am, other times I'm not; but that is neither here nor there. What does matter is that, for the moment, he has been willing to be understanding and patient while I take a step back and work through my trust issues. But as long as I continue to be suspicious and accusing, whether he deserves to be or not, it ultimately boils down to it being my own darn fault if he gives up and walks away.
While intellectually these things make sense, it is my fears I find difficult to overcome: like tentacles snaking out of some kind of vortex that grabs hold of my mind (and my life), and threatens to yank me toward its being of hopelessness and dispair. When I'm not wrestling with this beast that lies within myself, my life and my relationship is wonderful! And as I write this, the more I realize how plausable my suspicion was of being afraid of success -- or of being happy -- is perhaps more true than I anticipated it would be.
In the meantime, the moments of clarity that come through the restlessness within my spirit is oftentimes quite self-theraputic. There is a reason, I believe, for everything; and there was a reason why I logged in here to write this blog: to remind myself of what I already knew deep inside. I just had to get over myself...my fears, my arrogance in thinking I know everything...how important it is to surrender. My will and my pride can be a good thing. It can also be detrimental to my serentity when I allow it to have power over me.
Ah... The search for wisdom is always accessible when we're open to it. Isn't God awesome? 
