"I Hope You Dance" -- Lee Ann Womack
I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat
But always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed
I hope you still feel small
When you stand beside the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me that you'll give fate a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance
I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances
But they're worth taking
Lovin' might be a mistake
But it's worth making
Don't let some h*ll? bent heart
Leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out
Reconsider
Give the heavens above
More than just a passing glance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
(Time is a wheel in constant motion always)
I hope you dance (Rolling us along)
I hope you dance
(Tell me who)
I hope you dance (Wants to look back on their years and wonder)
(Where those years have gone)
I hope you still feel small
When you stand beside the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
Dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance
(Time is a wheel in constant motion always)
I hope you dance
(Rolling us along)
I hope you dance (Tell me who)
(Wants to look back on their years and wonder)
I hope you dance
(Where those years have gone)
(Tell me who)
I hope you dance
(Wants to look back on their years and wonder)
(Where those years have gone)
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Nine years ago today, my best friend died. She died after a week-long struggle in the ICU. She died after a car wreck that occurred on 9/11/2001. Exactly a week after her older sister passed away, Cassie was taken off life support. That week, the world lost two beautiful, loving girls with so much promise. That week, a younger sister lost her two heroes, the two people that she looked up to and loved. That week, heaven gained two angels. Even thinking about it is very painful, but I want to remember Cassie. She had such a large impact on my life and I want to honor her life and thank her for the things that she taught me during the course of our friendship.
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I had met Cassie at a summer Girl Scout camp. We were at a horseback riding camp, and we quickly bonded over our love of animals, 'NSYNC and similar sense of humor. Many 12-year-old girls can be cruel to each other, saying things to intentionally hurt others, talking trash to make themselves seem cool. They can be especially cruel to girls who don't fall into the "popular group". And even though Cassie was one of the popular girls at camp, she was never cruel. Cassie was one of the nicest people I have ever met. She loved everyone, never treating others unkindly. She was just as nice to her close friends as she was to the people that she didn't particularly like. I don't think I ever heard Cassie say an unkind word about any of the other girls at camp. Over the week, Cassie and I grew closer and closer. During camp, we went on an overnight. We were making nachos for dinner and we burnt the cheese. In case you have never burnt cheese over a campfire, it smells horrendous. Cassie and I were the only ones who were willing to clean the dish that held the cheese. I don't remember much else of what we did that evening, but that night, as Cassie and I tried to sleep in our tent, a storm hit. It was an intense storm, flooding out campsite. Our tent stayed intact, but not by much.
After camp, we stayed in contact. Cassie came up and helped celebrate my birthday. We went tubing at Clinton Lake, and had dinner at Pizza Hut. At the time, an NSYNC cd had just come out, and I had gotten it as a birthday present. We blasted it as we rode to Pizza Hut, singing the lyrics out the window of the car. Over dinner, I opened my presents. One friend had stuck a box of "Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans" in my bag, and Cassie was the only one brave enough to try the booger flavored ones. Cassie got me a horse figurine, the horse was named Elmer Studd. I still have Elmer. He sits on top of my TV in my bedroom, right next to the picture of Cassie and I on the lake. The frame says "Friends forever".
Over the rest of the summer and the following fall, we helped out at different events at the barn on the weekend, sometimes helping teach younger girls how to ride. Cassie loved helping out at these events, loved helping the younger girls, some of them being on a horse for the first time. Even more than that, Cassie loved being in the barn. She loved just being with the horses. She would walk up and down the aisle at the barn, stopping to say hi to all of the horses, even the ones that were a pain to work with and a pain to ride. Cassie had an amazing way with animals, especially horses. It was like she understood them. The picture below is from the weekend before she passed away, at a weekend lesson at Camp Daisy.
The weekend before September 11, 2001, Cassie and I worked at a weekend event at the barn. Afterward, we went to Cassie's house. We spent the day playing with her animals, watching movies, and that evening went to a county fair with her family. On the way back from the fair, Cassie wasn't wearing her seatbelt in the car. I said something to her about putting it on, but she didn't. I let it go. Now I wish I hadn't. I wish I had pushed her to put her seatbelt on. Maybe if I had, she would've had it on the day of the wreck. The next morning, we went out and took care of the animals. Before I left, her mom made us lunch. We laid on the trampoline, watching the clouds and eating our sandwiches. They had a pool, but I hadn't brought a swimsuit. Cassie teased Crystal and I, saying I could borrow Crystal's swimsuit, but I would have to stuff it with toilet paper rolls so that it would fit. When my mom came to pick me up, I gave Cassie a big hug, told her that I'd call her, and that I'd see her again soon. I never saw her or spoke to her again.
A few days later, on September 11, 2001, I got an e-mail from the camp director. She told me that there had been an accident. There was some type of miscommunication, because I thought that Cassie's mom had been in an accident. I left her a message at home, asking her what was going on and to call me back. Her mom called back, talking to my mom, telling her what had happened. My mom broke the news to me. She told me that Cassie, Crystal and Amber had been in a car accident, that Cassie and Crystal were in the ICU, in comas. I found out the next day that Crystal had died, that she had been taken off life support. Cassie was still fighting, though. There had been a blip about it in the newspaper. It said that she had been life-flighted to StormontVail West. A few days later, another article ran, and it stated that they had been life-flighted to Saint Francis hospital. For the following week, I called the ICU in both hospitals, checking every single day on Cassie. Every single day, I was told that they couldn't confirm or deny that she was a patient at their hospital. I kept calling anyway, praying that one day I might get a nurse who would relent and give me some information about her.
September 18th came, a bright, sunny, beautiful day. The terrorist attacks were still foremost on everyone's minds. For me, I associated September 11th with the terrorist attacks, but more on the fact that it was the day the girls had gotten in the wreck. That day was an early-release day at my school. Towards the end of the day, a friend asked me to come over to her house after school. As the bell rang and I ran to my mom's car, the only thing on my mind was going to Brittanee's house. When I got into the car, I could instantly tell that something was wrong. Then my mom informed me that Cassie had died. In an instant, my world fell apart. Everything cracked, and I felt as though everything was out of control. My mom drove me over to my grandparent's house, and I was literally out of control. I was crying so hard that I was hyperventilating, close to making myself vomit from all the tears and mucus and heartache. The minute we pulled up to my grandparent's house, I tore across the lawn and barreled into my grandma's arms. I was sobbing, asking her why God took Cassie, why he took Crystal, what did they do to deserve to die? My grandma had no answer, she just kept repeating that Cassie was such a sweet girl, that she wasn't in pain anymore and promised that everything was going to be okay.
The rest of that day was a blur. I don't remember anything. That evening, my grandparents took me out to dinner. I absolutely did not want to go. I had no appetite and couldn't go more than about five minutes without dissolving into tears. But my family was adamant, so I ended up going to dinner. The restaurant we went to had just opened, and they had a guy that was making balloon animals. I didn't want one, but my grandma explained to him that my best friend had just died. He took some balloons and made two bears holding hands, a palm tree in between them. He told me that one was me and one was her. I have no idea what the significance was, but it made me feel a little better. I kept those balloons long after they had deflated.
After dinner, my grandparents took me back to my house. When I walked into the kitchen, I saw something sitting on the kitchen counter. It was a picture from my birthday, of Cassie and I on the inner tube. The frame said "Friends Forever". While at dinner, my stepdad had gone out and gotten the frame, printed off the picture, framed it and left it for me. I burst into tears again. For months, I couldn't look at the picture, it was too painful. I had to turn the picture around on my nightstand. Nowadays, the picture sits on my dresser, next to Elmer.
The following week went by in a blur. I don't really remember going back to school, but I know I did. Somehow, word had gotten around the school that Cassie had died, even before anything appeared in the newspaper. I thought that was odd, because Cassie didn't go to my school, didn't even live in my town. Everyone was so caring, so sympathetic that she had died, even though none of them knew her.
The following weekend was her funeral. When I walked into the school gym, I saw her light blue casket. Everyone from school had signed it. All the cheerleaders wore their uniforms. I didn't know what to expect, seeing as it was my first funeral. The only other thing I remember about the funeral was how hard I cried. It was at that point it finally hit me that she was gone.
People talk about the five stages of grief. I can tell you that after Cassie's death, I didn't go through all five stages. I don't remember ever going through the stage of denial. I'm sure that when I was first told that she had died, I didn't believe it. But very quickly I came to accept the fact that she was gone. I don't think I ever went through bargaining either. The closest I came to bargaining was wishing that I had died along with Cassie. I did stay stuck in depression for a long time. I also went through some weird, OCD-like rituals before she died though. After I found out she had died, I realized that I hadn't called the hospital the night before, and I somehow linked that to why she died. As is common in OCD, I believed that because I hadn't performed my ritual, it had caused something bad to happen. I had almost become obsessive-compulsive about calling the hospital to check on her. I thought that if I called every night, she would live. In my mind, because I hadn't checked on her, she had died. And I felt that it was my fault she died.
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I have kept Cassie close to me throughout the years. I keep her picture on my dresser, along with Elmer. I raised money and purchased and built a bench for Cassie, which is still at the Girl Scout camp. It has a plaque on it that honors her. For my graduation present, my mom designed a ring for me that had three shooting stars on it. Two of the stars have small pink jewels in the center. The other has a small blue jewel. Those stars are for three of my friends that have died, and one of them is Cassie. I also got a tattoo for her on my 18th birthday. It's a red star on my hip. At first I wanted to get a tattoo that had something to do with horses. I ended up choosing the star. The weekend before she passed away, Cassie had worn a shirt with a red star on it. I don't know why, but that always stuck in my mind and it later became my tattoo. I also make a point to visit Cassie twice a year: on her birthday, and today. If I have the money, I buy some pretty flowers to leave. If I don't, I simply go and talk to her. I'll talk to her about what I've been up to, telling her about school and where life has taken me over the year. Maybe people think I'm crazy for talking to a headstone, but I like to think that Cassie is up in heaven listening to me, congratulating me on my accomplishments and wanting to lecture me about my poor taste in boyfriends.
Over the years, I have come to realize that there was nothing I could have (or couldn't have) done to save Cassie. All the phone calls in the world couldn't have saved her from dying. Cassie simply sustained too many injuries that her body could not recover from. She put up an amazing fight, but in the end, the injuries were too much. I have stopped wishing that I had died along with Cassie. I have come to realize that Cassie would not have wanted me to live in a deep, dark depression. Instead, Cassie would want me to live my life to the fullest, enjoying every last little thing. As like in the song, Cassie never took anything for granted, and she never showed any regrets. Cassie lived her life to the fullest. If I really want to honor Cassie and remember her life, I need to live my life in the same way.
RIP Cassie Jean "Cowgirl" Weeks -- 5/18/88 ~ 9/18/01
