hi i'm an alcoholic / addict and my problem is billy. I didn't know that for a long time. i always thought what went wrong in my life was the fault of the people or enviroment around me even a vengful God, but no fault of my own.I took my first drink when i was 8 years old. My dad did a demolition job in houston where we lived he brought home cases of drink. i was curious so i snuck down stairs when everyone was asleep and started drinking. I didn't like the taste at first but i liked the way it made me feel. The next night i was downstairs again. Eventually i was talking people into buying me drink or if i had to go to extreme i would break into houses to steal it.
This lasted for awhile until 12 or 13 when i started smoking pot and doing coke. They were alot more accessable at my age.And even though i wasn't the most popular kid at school i fell into a group of people who i thought accepted me.
At age 13 my older brother died as a direct result of drugs and alcohol. My dad was pretty abusive and him and my brother had gotten in a fight about a year earlier. He stayed away from the family about a year. I remember seeing him on the freeway the morning he died.he had been drinking heavily and doing alot of dope. By the time we got home that afternoon we had gotten word my brother had drowned. It took them three days to find his body and when they pulled him out he didn't look like my brother at all. I had been blaming God for alot of things up to this point , but now i hated him with a passion.
This should have steered my away from going down that road of drug and alcohol use. But it didn't as a matter of fact i turned to it even more. I think i stopped dreaming around this time all i can remember after this point in my life was the nightmares. I had really set into my downward spiral. hating everyone including my brother. I blamed him for the beatings i got after that, the dead dogs thown on me in the middle of the night, the fear and dread in my parents eyes when they looked at me. i felt like they wished it me instead of him. And i started felling the same way after awhile.
When i was 16 my grandpa contracted altztimers. After an argument at his house he pulled a gun on me and put it in my face and told me i'll kill you. He died about a month later. I didn't cry at the funeral. Death was becoming second nature to me that i guess i just grew numb to it.
During this time my drug and alcohol use had progressed to the major focal point in my life. I was a very smart kid but i dropped out of school in the tenth grade. i was lost. When the prospect of moving with my parents to ark. came up i jumped all over it. i had to get out of houston.
Little did i know at that time a change of venue wasn't going to solve my problem. I had progressed way beyond that point. regardless of being 6 miles back on a dirt road in a town of less than 100 people , i was high in less than 2 weeks and back selling dope in less than a month. At age 19 i was back living on my own. At age 22 i was being arrested again this time i was looking at 30 years. My grandmother spent her whole life savings keeping me from doing 30 years. At that point she said she was ashamed to even know me. And i can't blame her.Hell i didn't even like me. the next time i saw her she was taking her last breathe. She never got to see me clean and sober. I hope she knows she made a good investment.
It was during this time i met my wife. And again i thought i could stop for her. If i just quit running around with fast women and stop selling dope. I was on the run again at this time. But all i had to do is take off with this woman get out and my whole world would change. It did , but not the way i wanted. I now lived in Branson and it didn't take a week and i was high again and eventually i was back selling again. The only change was now i was making two people miserable. And i was introduced to meth.
Over the next ten years i had been behind bars 5 times. I'd lost 4 vehicles in one way or another. Been evicted more times than i could count. And pawned everything and anything we had of value (including our wedding bands). We faced homelessness on several occasions. Lived without electric on several occasions. I had become an abusive husband, something i said i would never do, having grown up in that enviroment. there was nights when we slept with guns under our pillows Because of my paranoia. When i met becky she was full of confidence, going to college, driving a new truck. After me she couldn't even lift her head up and look anyone in the eyes. I became very angry at her. Pointing my finger blaming her for what my life had become. We spent the last three years of my active addiction in and out of run down hotels.
Eventually the drugs and alcohol weren't working. I wanted out. I had tried suicide 3 times in those last three years and had segrgated myself from everyone and everything.I was tired.
March 16 2004. I was checked into a rehab center hopefully for the last time. That was the last day i used anything. That was also the day i admitted i was licked. And that was the first day i took responsibility for my life. I relise today that God didn't take my brother from me. That addicts eventually meet there end and sometimes that means death. It could have easily been the same outcome for me. That God didn't make my grandpa stick a gun in my face. My grandpa was a very sick man and his deseise made him do things he wouldn't have ordinarily done had he not been sick. Just like me. And my parents and grandmother loved me no matter what what my deseise tried to tell me. Some of the things they said and done were perhaps spiritully sick. But had i not done some of the same things to them or envoked those emotions. Had i not become resentful and self-seeking. Had i not allowed Fear to overtake my life. self- delusion and denial was there the whole time, feeding my addiction the whole time. Perhaps i was the sickest of them all. And my wife. probably the strongest person i know. Not because of but in spite of my actions.She's still with me today.
And my relationship with God, he held me in his arms dispite my doing everything i could to run from him. He loved me no matter how much i hated him.
Today my life is filled with making ammends. some immediate others lifelong. Today i go to meetings and try to help others that went down the same spiraling crap hole i did. The same way others did for me when i first entered the rooms. Thank you Father.Today i tell my story in the attempt to spread the message that there is hope. The same way others did for me. Thank you Father. Today i carry the same outlined course of action carried in the big book of AA to my sponcees. Just like my sponcer still does for me. Thank you Father. Today i have a relationship with my wife and family. Today i experience the promises. Thank you Father. Today i have a relationship with God. Thank you father for not giving up on me.
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