"True ambition is the deep desire to live usefully and walk humbly under
the grace of God." -Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 124-125
i am becoming what an old timer describes as
"a hard marshmallow." Think about that one.
To fully realize the gift of the Second Step, I must first acknowledge
my own insanity and then learn to enjoy every minute of it.
"Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start
from now and make a brand new ending."
-Carl Bard
Personal motto: "Trust God, but if I wired it, you'd better duck!"
"Comfort the disturbed. Disturb the comfortable!"
Some say i have a rather dry sense of humor
my techie's son says i'm "a cynical jackass"
slightly obnoxious {this is what counselors call "minimization"}
spiritual kindergartener, "We are only operating a spiritual kindergarten in
which people are enabled to get over drinking and find the grace to go on
living to better effect." -As Bill Sees It, p. 95
follower of Rule #62 "Don't take yourself too [darn] seriously."
-Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 148
i'm rebelling against my restoration to sanity
more importantly, i'm rebelling against my disease
some refer to me as an iconoclast -look it up yourself, i'm not telling!
i'm told i don't have to be rich to be eccentric
and i have experienced the 13th promise of AA:
"We will intuitively know how to baffle people who used to handle us."
False Evidence Appearing Real - To overcome fear, i must find the lie that appears real and then learn the truth. Many miss the second part of this
trying to avoid looking at self ... imagine that!
i first got to the rooms of recovery in April of '91, but i wasn't anywhere close to being ready or willing. The important thing is that i kept coming back. My opinion is that if one does that, things will change. Eventually i was dubbed the "relapse king," told to "go out and get done," and pretty much given up on by most of the NA community in this fair city. Because of that, but far more because of my own unwillingness, it took about 9 more years of being beaten into a state of reasonableness for me to find enough willingness to come back into the rooms and stay. So, now i'm a firm believer in not giving up on folks. "It takes what it takes." Some may say "One Disease, One Program," but the reality for me was that i couldn't get the help i needed in just one program, so i became involved in several. [this is NOT a good idea until one becomes stable in staying sober, or clean, if you prefer] Since then, i've become a believer in the recovery phiolsophy that, "while not all codependents are addicts, ALL addicts are codependents." Debate and disagree all you want with that, i have not yet met an exception to this philosophy. If you are the exception, i very much want to get to know you. i think even Bill W. might have understood this idea ... Why do you think he made the suggestion to Lois W. that no AA member be allowed to serve above the group level in Al-Anon? Maybe because he didn't want the drunks to take over Al-Anon? Now, i'm not saying that all alcoholics have control issues, but then i think of what got me drinkin' and druggin' in the first place -the desire to control or run away from my feelings- and i'm busted like the kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar. And don't give me that "i'm just an alcoholic, so i can still smoke pot" garbage. Even Dr. Silkworth called alcoholism "alcoholic addiction," -Big Book, p.xxi, so don't be so quick to try to differentiate yourself from anybody else. i call that "cutting off your nose to spite your face." and none too bright by any reasonable standard. All i'm saying is that a closed mind isn't something i have found useful in any aspect of recovery. So there's something we can all consider: how am i being closed minded in my recovery today?
From a letter to a brother:
Well, speaking for myself, i don't find anything wrong with schmoke if it doesn't cause a person problems. Frankly i favor legalization and taxation. Me, it caused mass F***ing problems way worse than alcohol. Basically anything i use to control/run away from my true self contributes to the lie between my ears, "it won't get out of control for me THIS time." i now know that to be a lie because in 9 years of trying to do the recovery thing in my way, that lie never became true.
NA simply says "We are people with the disease of addiction who must abstain from all drugs in order to recover." This is the simple truth for me.
There are AA members who do what is euphemistically referred to as "the marajuana maintainence program." They tend to avoid me because, while i don't put them down for their beliefs, i don't buy that whole "controled use" thing for myself, because it has NEVER worked for me.
When i look back on why i put any mind altering chemicals in my body, it always served one purpose: to attempt to control or run away from unmanageable feelings ... the BI**H was that those feelings were always there when i came down again and usually worse on me because i'd tried to control the uncontrolable; my disease. You know the serenity prayer. It's a request for a grant of 3 things, serenity, courage, and wisdom. i can get in the way of that grant when i try to accept the unacceptable or change the unchangeable (ie control the uncontrolable). Any of those things done under my self-will place me in direct opposition to God's will for me, leading to problems and frustration. Left unchecked those frustrations lead to me entering back into the slavery of addiction.
A lot of AA members like to try to differentiate themselves from other addicts, but even Dr. Silkworth called alcoholism alcoholic addiction in the first paragraph of his second letter on page xxvii of the Big Book: "The subject presented in this book seems to me to be of paramount importance to those afflicted with alcoholic addiction." If i have truely come to believe i am an alcoholic, and the gentleman who for all intents coined the term "alcoholic" cannot really differentiate between alcoholic and drug addiction, then i'm probably better off not trying to do so myself. Bottom line: i am a person "with the disease of addiction who must abstain from all drugs in order to recover."
For me to put a mind altering chemical into my body is for me to gamble on returning to the slavery of active addiction. i have been able to take certain pain meds as perscribed and not have any ill effects, but were i to continue to take those meds on my own, the result could not be any different. i know this because i've tried it too many times to believe otherwise.
You are not me. You get to have those experiences for yourself, and they may indeed turn out differently for you.
Would i bet on that? No. No one i know who has this disease has ever been able to maintain control over a chemical for any significant period of time.
The good news is that if i don't gamble, i maintain my freedom, and more importantly, remain true to myself. "To thine own self be true."
You Are 70% Weird
You're so weird, you think you're *totally* normal. Right?
But you wig out even the biggest of circus freaks!
i Am aNiMaL
A complete lunatic, you're operating on 100% animal instincts.
You thrive on uncontrolled energy, and you're downright scary.
But you sure can beat a good drum.
"Woman! Woman!" "Drive Fast!" "Kill! Kill!"
'Cease your flatulent winds and hear my mind-numbing expulsions
of wicked noise! Grr!! Cheese!!!' -Happy Noodle Boy
i took a quiz and it said:
You are Animal.
You are completely nuts, but FUN to be around.
SPECIAL TALENTS:
Drums, Women, Food.
HOBBIES:
Drums, Women, Food.
FAVORITE EXPRESSIONS:
"Louder!", "Food now!" and "Want Woman!"
LAST BOOK EATEN:
"The Musicians' Guide to Drums, Women & Food"
NEVER LEAVES HOME WITHOUT:
An appetite.
4524 other people got this result!
This quiz has been taken 360256 times.
3% of people had this result.
http://www.quizilla.com/users/AutumnSong123/quizzes/What%20Muppet%20are%20you%3F
Quick Fun Facts:
343714 unique people have taken this test.
Based on these unique user's answers...
29.8% of test takers are gals,
68.4% are guys,
...the rest (1.8%) are confused.
15.5% of test takers get aroused by "iPhone," while
36.9% get utterly ill.
32.2% of all test takers would choose the Internet over sex, and
26.6% of married test takers prefer the Internet over sex.
Only 4.5% of test takers own a Jar Jar Binks t-shirt, though
49.7% of them don't own a lightsaber (priorities == messed up).
i took another survey and it said "Smarty Pants!
Congratulations! You are not stupid. We dub thee, "Smarty Pants", which is not to say your
pants are smarter than you. If you thought this is what we meant or if you actually have
Smarties stuck to your pants, deduct 80 points."
i Am 19 Years Old
Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe.
13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.
How Romantic Am i?
"Your Quiz Results: You're a hopeless romantic. You require ample doses of warmth and
sentiment. You embroider your fantasies; they titillate you and lift you out of the ordinary.
You're the cockeyed optimist of song, a dreamy, maybe impractical idealist, the willing
victim of infatuation."
i am in recovery to stay. i've buried 3 sponsors so far, and i'll bet i'll be around
long enough to bury a few more. We're all here for a finite time, so don't put anyone
on a pedestal.
User Type: Standard
