Countup Timers at WishAFriend.com.
In the mind of an alcoholic.
Part of my program for recovery is to help others and today I feel like giving you a glimpse into the alcoholic mind. This is for those of you who have an addicted person in your life and thinks it's all about will power. In the 4th edition of A.A's Big Book it describes an alcoholic as "the allergic type who can never safely use alcohol in any format at all; and once having formed the habit and found they cannot break it, once having lost their self-confidence, their reliance upon things human, their problems pile up on them and become astonishingly difficult to solve." On another page it says, "Alcoholics are not drinking to escape; they drink to overcome a craving beyond their mental control." "They have one symptom in common: they cannot start drinking without developing the phenomenon of craving." "THE ONLY RELIEF IS ENTIRE ABSTINENCE."
I know first hand about that craving and what it does to your mind. I haven't touched a drop of alcohol since June 20th, 2008. I am deathly allergic to alcohol and I must remain abstinate from it because more then likely I won't survive another suicide attempt. I am not a depressed person and I am not suicidal in any way shape or form. I have so much to live for. God blessed me with the most wonderful, loving family in the world. I look at my daughters and my grandchildren and I am awe struck with amazement on what beautiful people they have become. And they came from me! And then theres my mom. Words cannot describe how special she is to all of us. And we all came from her! I've had a great life, not a single complaint. I want to be here, ALIVE, to experience this life with all these awesome people and events.
Alcoholism is in every family. And somehow that gene gets carried down to the next generation and all generations to come. My Grandfather on my dad's side was an alcoholic. His name was Jack and he was able to get help later in life and become a counselor for other alcoholics. But the damage the alcohol did to his body ended up taking his life. My dad's Uncle was an alcoholic and ended up taking his own life. Suicide is very high among alcoholics. My dad never drank and neither did my mom. I began drinking and using drugs at the age of 15. But alcohol was definetly my drug of choice,my favorite.I drank until I was 18. Then I took a few college courses on Drug and Alcohol counseling. I became a youth group leader at the Mayflower Congregational Church in Billings. And I went to some schools and gave talks on how alcohol and drugs will ruin your life. Then I got married and had children and was a camp counselor for many years at Camp Miminagish on the Boulder River. I divorced my husband after almost 7 years of marriage and became a single parent and remained happily single for I believe around 15 years. During that time a whole lot of life happened.Wonderful memories and some difficult times that I would go through again, only because with each difficult time I became wiser, stronger, more forgiving and understanding and less judgemental toward anyone.
Due to a very painful time during those years,I think 10 years ago, I couldn't deal with something we were going through at the time. The pain was so immense that the only thing I knew to do was turn to alcohol. The beginning of a huge battle. It did help me at the time. It numbed all the pain and made it much more bearable. So then I used it for every big and little stress I had. I thought it was the magical answer to all. My mom saw that it was getting worse and was very concerned and that just made me mad. So to make a long story a little shorter...My drinking became a really huge problem. At first it was fun. I would laugh and feel so good but then I couldn't stop until I passed out. I've always loved my daughters more then life itself. There isn't anything they could do that would make me not love them. They began to hate my drinking because I just got stupid and I would do the dumbest things. They would laugh at me but they were worried. I tried to stop several times but wasn't able to. Then I got married and my drinking became an even bigger problem.I was drinking a half gallon of vodka every two to three days. When I drank I became extremely protective over my daughters. I would say horrible things to my husband, because of his past. I threatened to kill him or wack off his weeny if he ever touched my daughter. I got pretty mean. But I was serious. And of course I would bring up his past and say hurtful things.I think because it bothered me 24/7 so when I got drunk it all came out.But not in a productive way. I think thats what most our fights were about. It came to a point to where everyone wanted me to quit drinking. I tried.Then I realized the reality of it all. I was an alcoholic. I went to meetings and talked to people and tried several times to stop. Then it came to the point where I wanted more then anything to be sober and have everyone be proud of me.I wanted everyones approval so badly that I began hiding my bottles, trying to disguise the alcohol on my breath with garlic (eating a pickle after I drank).And then trying to act sober when i absolutly was not. I tried so hard to be sneaky because I was so tired of dissapointing everyone. My self-esteem was shot down so low because I was nothing but a failure. So I really, really tried to make everyone happy with me again.I needed that so badly.
This is where I can tell you what was going on in my crazy alcoholic mind.I wanted to stop drinking more then anything but I had worked my way up to a fifth of vodka everyday. Each day I would start over and say, "I'm not ever drinking again." Then the day would go on and the cravings would get louder and louder. They would get so loud that I couldn't stop thinking about how I was going to sneakily buy it and more importantly where to hide it and when and how to sneak my drinks during the day and night. Then I would tell myself that I would just have one drink. Thats all and no one will know. Then it was two drinks and no one will know. Then three, four, twelve and the whole bottle. Then I had to dispose of the bottle, so I'd bury it in the trash and take it out and throw it away. Then began the horror. I had to pretend that I was sober and I new everyone would hate me and I hated myself. I'd end up crying or taking off on a long walk in the middle of the night. And I only did that when my daughter was spending the night at her sister's house or her gramma's. I never, ever left her alone with my husband. Not so much for the reason I didn't trust him, but because I would always make sure there was never an opportunity.And if I passed out, I would pass out next to my daughter.He surprisingly enough did not mind that I was so protective. During the times my daughter was not home, sometimes at night I would go sit in the raccoons cage(it was huge)and cry my eyes out to them. Sometimes I would find some random person while I was out walking and I'd bring them back to see my adorable raccoons because I wanted to share a happy moment with someone.How stupid.And of course my husband naturally thought I was being unfaithful which I can understand, but "No". "Not, Not even once". I loved him way too much. Even in my stupid drunkin mind I would never cheat on him. So basically all the dumb things I did hurt and worried people and I hated hurting everyone. I hated that I had no control over my drinking, I hated knowing I couldn't stop drinking and I just wanted someone to hold me and tell me its gonna be okay. But no one could because they were all so mad at me. I was left emotionally starved, and feeling like the biggest failure on earth, and then knowing what a huge hold the alcohol had on me and knowing that it was only hurting the ones I loved so much......Yep, my only option was suicide. I thought it was the only answer.It's the only way I knew to solve my problem. Two times I tried. The first time I just tried to drink myself to death. And it almost worked but a Guardian Angel stepped in and brought me back to life. The second time which was June 20th, was my all time lowest moment because not only did I see and know that I was the biggest mistake on earth, I also had someone text me and tell me that I was as well. It's really hard to not to cry while I'm writing this part because that feeling I had was the deepest despair I can ever imagine possible and I remember how it felt.It felt so bad that in seconds I took over 100 pills of Elavil and finished the rest of my vodka. I remember being in some peaceful but lonely place in my head and realizing that this is it, I'm going to die and then I asked God to bring someone to find me if He wanted me to live. It was awhile after I took all that and then somewhere in the night I remember realizing in my head that no one was coming and even God didn't want me around. The feeling overwhelms me with such pain. It hurts even now. I went into a coma. My daughter, Shaylah found me the next day and of course that Guardian angel showed up as well. I was rushed away in an ambulance and was in the hospital for the next few days. I came out of the coma and had no head injuries. I guess I took a good fall on the cement.I don't remember anything after my last thought of thinking that I was going to die. It's still very painful and I am living with this huge amount of humiliation and embarrassment and bigger then all of it I have to live with the knowing of how badly I hurt my family. Believe me when I tell you that it's not about will power. I wanted to not drink. It was a constant obsession in my mind and I would have rather been sober then dead. With alot of help and encouragement I have not drank since June 20th. It's a miracle that I even lived through it. I'm not suicidal but when I drink that is how powerful that poison is. Powerful enough to consume my every thought, powerful enough to make me think that I needed to kill myself to free everyone from my problem. Thats why I feel the need to let you in on the mind of an alcoholic. Please don't take it lightly and don't tell your alcoholic that they can quit if they really love you or if they drink again you will be so mad. Because that alcoholic may love you so much yet feel so powerless over alcohol that they feel the only answer is to harm themself. This is a serious disease. Everyday I ask God for strength. I read a little from the A.A Big Book and work on my 12 steps. I look for inspiring things everyday that give me strength and am working on walking 5 miles a day. I feel really good mentally and physically.
I don't know the extent of what the person living with an alcoholic feels but I know it's just as bad. And I apologize to everyone for all that I did when I drank. I'm truely sorry. And I'm giving it everything I've got to stay sober forever. Love and support to all. I hope I've helped you see that this disease is a real disease and it's not about willpower.
