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I’ll begin with my drug addiction as to explain what I have put myself through to get to this point because personally I do feel that it is important to know where I once was and where I am now, and to carry the message to the addict/alcoholic that they too can recover, but will not be cured. I grew up in the north suburbs of Chicago, parents are both drug addicts, lived in a house where they loved me but they were not there for me emotionally. I know why I have control issues today and that is party due to the fact that when my father and mother drove with me in the car I was always screaming at them because they would swirve off the road, fall asleep, start to slur, there eyes would close and I would freak out and feel deeply insecure, I truly did want to die. I went through that for years, since the age of 5 or 6 is when I was first aware of it. Seeing them go through their overdoses, black outs, crawling on the floor... I am afraid to let go of the steering wheel for fear of the unknown or that I will die. Hint hint, scared to ask a girl out… Hint hint afraid to be a leader, the conversation igniter, afraid to let my funny personality come out of the blue because I’m afraid that if I let go I will die, in other senses that is of abandonement, attachment, hopelessness, and despair..

I was completely anti-drugs up until the age of 15 when I just decided to try and it and I was so paranoid of doing it in my house for fear that my parents would find out lol, little did I know HOW COOL, they would be about it… Enabling me to the extreme. I never wanted to end up like my parents, but I surely did, for way less short term time it took me to become a drug addict and an alcoholic than them. I started off with alcohol, and sure enough blacked out the first time I ever drank Rum. And lied to my mom of course, I started smoking pot, lying more. Started off smoking pot once a month on the weekends, than every other weekend, than I began to excellerate on Halloween in 2005 with my addiction. After that night where I trick or treated drunk I became hooked on pot for some reason. Tried to be a weekend warrior, just couldn’t do it. I was craving it in my legs, shaking feeling in my legs waiting to get out of class, waiting to go to sleep, and than waiting to go into my room every night to smoke pot and talk to my drug dealer on the internet and isolate and jam to music, how fun huh… Now, this is the part that I need to share about, consider it a mini 5th step I have too, because I need to get it all out there of what I have tried and what I have not tried so that way I cannot lie anymore about what I have and haven’t done and make myself better or worse than I truly am. Its called arresting my addiction…

I started with marijuana and alcohol. I than experimented with Salvia divornum which I did for a couple years, in total did it about 21 times and I was insane, I would have done anything to get out of my body and it is a horrible and unattractive drug yet I still did it because I am a drug addict. I stole hydrocodone/soma/norcod’s from my father and mother and became hooked on those for months. I have abused topamax, clonidine, flexeril, klonopin, ativan, xanax, temazepam. I have snorted norcos, somas, flexeril, klonopin, ativan, xanax and temazepam… I would steal the pills from my parents and swap them for some white gigantic estrogen pills and carve the symbol of the pill onto it. Would always get caught but continued to do it. I tried amanita mushrooms, Kratom, nutmeg, diphenhydramine, Nyquil, antihistamines, dextromethorphan, dimenhydrinate, datura stromonium… I abused kratom a lot and did way too many transactiosn online.. I actually did hallucinate off of nutmeg and I hate going into my kitchen cabinet seeing that stuff there still. I abused benadryl, Nyquil, almost had a heart attack. And I tried to commit suicide on datura stromonium seeds about 400 of them which came close to killing myself. (Datura is a deadly nightshade flower that is poisonous and a deliriant). I have abused Dalmane, Midazolam, Bromazepam, overdosed on imovane which is really lunesta ordering the pills online and getting kicked out of college my first semester. I have abused ambient, melatonin, valerian root, Kava Kava extract and capsules, Hops Capsules, Black Cohosh Capsules, 5HTP Tryptophan, Ecstacy, Adderall, Vyvanse, Ritalin, Concerta, Phentermine, Thorzine, seroquel, meprobamate, Ayahausca, Ibogaine (I wanted to die on ibogaine and ayahausca). Somatomax, GHB, which was the final thing that I used and it brought me to my knees, I vomited violently every single morning, I wanted to continue to get off on it and continued to face the consequences, I know I was near death. I have abused cymbalta, suboxone, subutex, thebaine, Tramadol, Doxepin, Valium, Xyrem, BZP, nitrazepam… And that’s it… Woah, that’s a relief.

I worry about other peoples problems more than mine, and was told that If I stop worrying about others that my problems will decrease by 50%. I am an East Indian giver to god, but over the past couple months in my recovery I have tried to “Act As If”… and take action and extend my hand out more, and stop being so self conscious, which is a huge work in process and will probably take years.. I need not focus in so much on how the world needs to be changed as in me and my problems and how I deal and respond to people. Thanks to this program, I can sleep at night time, I had such a huge problem with sleeping while I was in active addiction and the first couple weeks in recovery I was searching for more and more medications. I am bipolar and have been diagnosed by the state, and I believe I am f’ing the state over by getting a social security check from them every month on top of working at Walgreens part time. I know its not right… Me and my higher power, well my higher power is the better half of the tag team, but hp makes things happen that I have no idea that they’ve even happened yet. Do the footwork and the rest will come he says. I’ve had resentments against my sponsor, against my sponsee brothers, I have gotten into fights with my sponsee brothers because I can be jealous of them and angry with them. But I prayed for them a lot, and it did pass, although I still try to people please a lot.

I am on step 5 right now, and I found that I had a lot of growth in the first 3 steps. But I feel that having worked on my 4th and 5th step ive gained even more wisdom and knowledge of this program. A lot of relief let me tell you. I’ve found out a lot about myself and able to become aware of how to deal with my shortcomings by admitting that I am wrong with what I have done in the past. My sponsor has me working on an ACOA packet right now on step 5 while sharing some things with him. I live with my parents, my dad has had some problems with his addiction, but hes sober right now. Mom, she is still doing her thing at night time with her sleep meds. But you know, I can’t do anything about that. I have to try and not get into my addiction at night and hit the big red F it button. My higher power is so important to me at night time, I have to keep on praying even if I don’t believe in it, I do sometimes and sometimes I don’t, but that’s because I tend to have a closed mind.

I will be attending the University Of Illinois at Chicago in the Fall of 2009 and am going to be pursuing a degree in Psychology and Criminal Justice. I want to get involved with helping people… I need my higher power close to me, but I have to seek him no matter where I go. It is hard…. But I make it as hard as I want it to be, its that simple. And honesty I now see means speaking the truth of myself and not talking about experiences and stuff that I have not experienced and telling someone something that I have not done and have not gotten to that point in the program to fully understand. Becoming more humble important I’ve heard…. I love you all, if nobody told you that they love you today, than your hangin with the wrong crowd. And If your expecting a miracle, than you’ve already missed it…

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