Hmmm. Well, I am a mother/grandmother...three daughters and one grandson. I've been married in the past for 17 years and since divorced. My ABF and I have been together off and on for 6 years. I love him with all my heart.
Saying hello and sending my support. You stay strong and you will move on. I had to let go of a 16 year marriage in order to be set free. It's been 4 years and it still hurts, but I'm FREE and HAPPY, and it does get better! You derserve so much. You don't see it now, but it does come around.
In many ways, much like my guy. In many ways, not. I CAN see myself falling into a years-long trap, always waiting for him to change, grow up, BECOME the man I can see glimpses of deep inside of him. If he could only see what I see, that he hurts himself far more than anyone else ever could. I know that if I walk away from him, no one else would, could, try to rescue him from himself. Is that my job, is that my obligation? Or is my obligation to myself, trying to find a sane life partner? You know that song, "I Need A Lover That Wont Drive Me Crazy"? DAMN, but I DO love this man. He says I'm turning into his mother and he's not looking for another mother, he's looking for a lover. And I think, yeah, a lover who never voices her opinion, takes all the emotional abuse, name calling, instability, paranoia, drunk binges, always swallowing the hurt, biting back every comment that comes to mind, always thinking, first, what reaction will he have if I say THIS?
I have noticed that he rarely turns to me for physical affection, although he constantly brags about a great sexual prowess. He pays little attention to me while we are in bed, but will often reach over to tweak my breast while I am driving. What's that all about? While he professes to like me "spooning" with him in bed, HE NEVER does this to me. I kiss his back, stroke his hair, all the while with him lying there like a manequin. Lately, he has accused me of "getting" what I want out of this relationship. For the life of me, I can't figure out what that is. He claims I just wanted, needed, sex. We have not had sex in 4 weeks. Even then, it was 15 minutes of work for him. Yes, he told me he was doing all the work.
With all the terrible things I've said about him, you must wonder what I see in him, what makes me hold onto him. He loves his kids and his grandkids. He comes from two generations of dysfunctional family, he knows and admits this, and tries to move forward. He deeply loved his grandparents who raised him. He loves his alcoholic mother and is very loyal to her although she is the cause of many of his problems. He has medical problems that cause him constant pain. He has a huge empathy for the disabled vets at the VA hospital and feels he owes them whatever he can do for them. He loves his country. Sometimes he says he loves me. He loves trees and country and lakes and rain. He cries when he hears a sad song. He tries to help me with fix-it jobs around my house.
Tonight he called to say that he is tempted to do cocaine tonight. He said we are through. He called three times. Experience, and his sister, says I should ignore this and pray. This is not the first, second, or third time he has done this. He has not yet done drugs since I've known him, just threaten to do them. It is the depression and beer talking. The first time he did this, I was frantic. Now I am more sad than frantic. I realise that he is TRYING to upset me, trying to get a HUGE reaction out of me, to boost his own ego.
Every cell in my brain says I should drop him and run for cover. My adult children say Mom, why do you need these problems? But I love him, and love makes us hold on long after common sense tells us to give up.
